Thursday, 31 January 2013

Painting my Nightmares

I suffer from sleep paralasys from time to time, and the best way to deal with it for me is to get it out into the open. Sometimes the nightmares are so vivid, that they are easily remembered and can be painted to some degree of accuracy.
Some sort of hybrid insect like creature I encounter regularly in my nightmares. Despite their grotesque appearance, they are usually quite harmless and leave me alone.

One of the worst sleep paralysis I have ever had became a painting. It still, to this very day, remains unfinished. I just couldn't. It remains incomplete, gathering dust at my parents house (and facing the wall). It's probably the only painting that my mother refuses to hang, and trust me, she hangs EVERYTHING I do. It freaks her out too much.

The story goes like this, taken from a dream diary just after the experience, however, I made it a little more coherent for the reader.

"Scariest dream of my life: an oldish bearded man arrives outside my house in a big Daimler like car. He gets out, wearing a huge fur-like overcoat and holding an antique cane. looks at me deeply in the eyes and proclaims in a soft and deep voice....

"Aren't you gonna let me IN?" to which I scream "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"

I then suddenly look into the nearby mirror. I am shocked to see my glasses are off and my eyes are fucked up looking in obscure directions. They bright red with heavy black in the middle, somewhat like Sadako from Ringu.

Suddenly I notice the creepy man is standing behind me in the mirror! I turn round to find he is not there....."

Up to this point I am sure I am wide awake.

The presence of this entity felt demonic more than anything. I was too scared to go back to sleep.
He was a really evil and sinister looking man, somewhat resembling Derren Brown possessed by Satan or Jahbulon or Baal or something of that nature. It gave a completely haunting and unpleasant vibe, like my life became a Steven King novella, only WORSE!

The fact that I thought I was wide awake increased the fear tremendously... I eventually was able to move (I was frozen throughout the experience) and then I burst into awakened reality.

Awakening into reality felt like breaking through the surface of a dark ocean.

I waited for ages to make sure I was actually awake. I didn't dare to leave my bed for many hours in the dark, I just couldn't be certain if I was awake. You can never tell with paralysis.....NEVER!

Here is the progression of the painting.

"Aren't you gonna let me in?"
My face in the mirror

Please.... Let me IN!

My start to eyes freak me out, and he now stands behind me....

Up until this point I had to put my brush down. I was too scared to continue... I am still too scared to continue one year later.... I think this piece will never be finished. Too much pain. Too much fear.

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